Archive for May, 2011

I HATE spring. I mean, looking at this picture (taken last weekend, during 30 minutes of sunshine) I feel that spring is the most wonderful time of the year. But then, the clouds open up and it pours (as it did 30 minutes after I took this picture) and the rain stays for like a week at a time.

Every year in February I get really excited for warmer weather, green grass, and living trees. But every year by the end of May I vow that I will never live through another spring. Next year I will go to bed in late March, and stay there until early June.

I always get sick in the spring. I have terrible allergies, and skull-splitting migraines. And, in spite of the fact that I am not a teenager, I always end up with a terrible breakout. And the rain!!!!!!!! Seriously, have we not had enough rain?

So here we are again, looking at the end of May, and the beginning of the warmer weather, and I have crossed all of my fingers and toes for sun. I don’t care how warm it gets, I just need to see the sun.

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Sniffing Me Out

Sniffing me outSo, I know I’ve posted before, but I am back. I went through a period of intense self-loathing, hating how I spend my days, struggling with my health, and questioning my life’s overall direction; this has all left me feeling over-exposed.

I remember being in university when one of my friends, who was studying psychology (or something like that) told me that there are basically two kinds of depressions. The first is chemical, requiring medication, and the other is more environmental. Her undergraduate understanding of depression lead me to believe that environmental depressions can be broken by shaking up your routine.

Well, I’ve been trying to shake up my routine — trying new exercise classes, trying to enjoy spring — but I wasn’t really getting anywhere. In the end I felt that I was just going through the motions. Every day I got up, went to work, felt nervous and strung out, then went to an exercise class that didn’t make me feel any better. From there I’d go home, walk Cadie, make dinner, lather, rinse, repeat.

The worst thing about being in a rut is that it is exhausting. I’ve never felt so tired; I’ve never felt so disconnected from all of my interests. I haven’t read anything is ages. I haven’t posted anything here. I’m not even cooking, and my apartment is filthy–I mean really, it’s really gross in here.

It’s funny how little things can make a big difference. The last few weeks have been particularly bad, especially in terms of my health. But in the middle of battling migraines and allergic reactions that temporarily disfigured my face, I got a sign from the universe; I had a number of emails from friends from everywhere, nothing big, just reaching out. Not to imply that I didn’t have lots of love and support before this twist of fate. This is just something new, something out of the ordinary to give me a little shake.

So I decided to give my head a shake and try to pull myself out it. I decided to start with a self-destructive act. So I went shopping. The truth is that I haven’t had new clothes since before I started dating my ex, so I think that is about 2007. Anyhow, I came to the conclusion that I deserve something new. Something to make me feel a little less run down, and little prettier.

The other major decision I’ve made is that I need to get back to posting. At least 1 a week, and so that is the goal. After all, blogging was initially meant to be therapeutic, something to do to take my mind off the past, and focus on the future. So I’ll be doing at least one post a week, at least until I’m feeling more like myself, and then I’ll go right back to being overexposed.

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